I hope they grow. My brow furrowed as I checked compulsively at the containers of dark soil on the windowsill for the 3rd time since I awoke. It was only noon, the day after I’d seeded the plants…If it were my daughter scrutinizing for signs of life, I would tell her: Take a deep breath, love. Be patient. So I paused and intentionally filled my lungs with air. It helped a bit. But it’s hard to find patience when it feels like one’s identity and what one believes about oneself is somehow riding on something happening externally. Though I’ve been dabbling in food production for 7 years, gardening with community and friends, and even working on field crew on an organic farm, I’ve never grown anything all on my own. I’ve never had the experience of choosing seeds, purchasing soil, and pinpointing the perfect seeding date based on the likelihood of frost and the phase of the moon without consulting someone else in the process. This was a completely new experience and there were parts of me that doubted my knowledge and ability. What if the seeds I planted with my own hands didn’t germinate?
On the third day, I ran to the soil-packed cartons (yup, I used egg cartons) and just like a kid on Christmas morning who spots the glint of a shiny new bike, I squealed in delight to see the first light green seedlings sprouting up out of the soil. On a theoretical level, I “know” that even if the seeds hadn’t sprouted, I would still theoretically be a worthy human being. On a theoretical level, I “know” it’s not me who’s performing this miracle of germination. Call her by her many names, she’s Nature, she’s G!d, she’s the Universe, she’s LIFE! But real talk, I struggle to see myself as a part of this holy, unfolding Is-ness. I struggle to know my inherent worth. Especially in the places we’ve been wounded in the past, we sometimes do need these little affirmations, these little outside signs reflecting back to us that it’s ok to have faith, that Love has our back, that Life begets life and will keep reaching for us...
As I give life to Deep Well Song, please know, I’m offering you my heart. And just like my longing for seeds to sprout, there is a little wariness here. I hope they grow. I hope that these song-seeds take root in the soil of your being and inspire you to join me in this practice in whichever ways call to you. My stepping into the light of your awareness is vulnerable as HELL! There is a part of me that is afraid of not being met, that this work won’t germinate. But there is a larger part of me that knows that I am not alone here. Though I have a hand in the intentional planting of the seeds, it’s not me who’s doing the magic. Once planted, the miracle is no longer in my hands. What will be created through the coming together of all of us within this work, and within the larger context of intentional collective practice for healing and celebration, is divinely orchestrated and is so much larger than we can imagine!
I trust that I will be watered by your out-pouring of love and support. I trust that I will be met by the beaming life-giving energy of the fiery suns that live in each of your hearts. I trust you, my family, friends, community and dear ones I’ve yet to meet. I trust my gifts and I trust spirit to guide me as I work to strip away my individual delusions, my small me-ness, so that the song that sings through this vessel is one of pure love, from the Source of Love, calling to love. And I pray this song sparks the Love Fire that lives in your sweet hearts, and the mingling of our voices sounding out of our mouths and received by our vibrating chests and ringing ears might be Love knowing herself through Us. Thank you for receiving me. Let’s grrroOoOoOOOWWW!!!!